Biden calls 877-CASH-NOW to resolve $30 trillion national debt crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—The national debt soared to $30 trillion, years ahead of forecasts. Desperate to resolve this crisis, President Biden called 877-CASH-NOW to cover the debt and hopefully win a much-needed political victory.

“Come on man, think about it, you need a cash lump sum, not paid over time, but now!” Biden said thinking out loud. “Oh I know, I’ll call JG Wentworth at 877-CASH-NOW and end this malarkey quickly and still have time to watch Matlock!”

According to White House sources, Biden spent hours on the phone consulting with the popular debt relief service provider. He informed them that it was the President of the United States who was calling on behalf of the total outstanding public debt of $30 trillion and that it was not “some kind of funny prank.”

“Look, Jack, I’m serious as a heart attack. No monkey business, for real. Now can you provide me with CASH NOW or not? said the president. “I need a clean slate, total debt cancellation here. The American people are counting on me.

A spokesperson for JG Wentworth informed us that the chairman was confused and kept referring to their services as ‘deal without conditions’.

“We explained to him several times that he would always have to make high monthly payments, but the president was quite insistent. And frankly, we couldn’t say no to this kind of business.”

As of press time, President Biden has announced that he has single-handedly and triumphantly ended the national debt, and for completely unrelated reasons, individual taxes are rising 200%.

Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims that truckers hate him because he’s a brave him/her of color, huh?

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

Robert P. Matthews